Kathleen

k_b_toys @ 2005-12-13T14:43:00

2005-12-13T19:44:01Z

k_b_toys @ 2005-06-12T17:58:00

2005-06-13T00:59:44Z

I just graduated.

Whaaaaaaatttttt?

Anyway....For Those About To Rock, We Salute You.

Senior All-Night Party tonight...Woo Hoo!

Concerto!

2005-06-02T05:30:28Z

Okay, so I haven't updated in a long time, but this entry is gonna be really quick...

Tomorrow is Concerto Concert at Kirk in the Hills. It's at 7:00. I'm singing a solo at the end of the first half...And everyone else in it is really good. So if you want to hear some really good music and see all this year's super cool music department seniors (?), come to it tomorrow night! It would mean a lot to everyone if students actually came...Instead of just our families.

So yea...Tomorrow, 7:00, Kirk in the Hills.

I Still Do Have a LiveJournal.

2005-05-16T02:09:30Z

WOW...It has been approximately twenty-five years since I updated this thing. I've considered doing it..And just not done it in, like, two and a half weeks or something. Okay, so yeah...

WE WON STATES! We brought the trophy back, and it was amazing. I was so unbelievably happy...I would have been so sad if we didn't win for Clees's last year. I'm so proud of everyone...We had such a great team this year. It's kind of bittersweet...Like, I'm glad that I don't have to worry about it anymore, but at the same time, I'm sad it's over. We had the banquet last Wednesday...It was nice. We gave out paperplates...Some were funny, some were absolutely awful...So sorry to anyone who got one of those.

I got all my uniforms for work...And everyone must come over and see them because they are HYSTERICAL. They are absolutely priceless.

I turned 18. Yay! My fam came over and we had dinner and stuff and I got some presents...Then Anthony came and got me to go out and play and celebrate my birthday, so I went out with him, Jason, and Brian. Fabulously hysterical birthday celebration on a Sunday night.

Prom is next week...I'm so excited. My dress is amazing; I'm in love with it. I need to buy shoes...Badly. I need to do it, like...Tomorrow. LoL. I'm gonna look so pretty :)

Okay..I need to go study for my anatomy test that I have tomorrow...Definately haven't started that...Nor have I been in class for any of the lectures on the chapter...Should be interesting.

Night kids.

*We wear our scarves just like a noose,
But not cause we want eternal sleep.
And though our parts are slightly used,
New ones are slave labor you can keep.

We're living in a den of thieves,
Rummaging for answers in the pages.
We're living in a den of thieves,
And it's contagious.

They made a statue of us,
They made a statue of us.
The tourists come and stare at us.
The sculptor's mama sends regards.
They made a statue of us,
They made a statue of us.
Our noses have begun to rust.

We're living in a den of thieves,
Rummaging for answers in the pages.
We're living in a den of thieves,
And it's contagious* -Regina Spektor

I WON $1,000!!!!!!

2005-04-28T02:39:50Z

Seriously...I just did. You know that Bloomfield Youth Guidance Award I wrote about a little while ago? If not...I got nominated for an award by the Bloomfield Youth Guidance Office for overcoming my eating disorder and domestic/child abuse and working to improve awareness and support on the issues. There were five other people in the school district who were nominated, and we had a dinner tonight at the Radisson Kingsley Hotel. There were judges, fire fighters, police officers, school board members, etc. They read a short bio of each of the honorees, and gave a bunch of certificates and stuff...Then, out of the six people, they choose one person to receive a $1000 "scholarship" (but really, it's just a check) sponsored by the fire department....And I won!!!!!

I definately cried...It was just really emotional to be recognized for overcoming that stuff...Like, I suppose it's cool thing that I was able to do that, and I never really thought about it until tonight. I don't know...That might sound really stuck up, but I don't mean it to be that way...I just can't think of any other way to articulate the significance this award has for me, especially since the other honorees were really admirable, qualified, impressive people.

I'm just really in shock right now...It hasn't quite hit me yet that I have a thousand dollar check sitting on my dresser right now...Wow.

Oh....And TOTALLY awkward situation at the dinner tonight....So my table was me, Mrs Goldenthal, my step-dad, my grandma, Dr Gaynor, and his wife. Dr Gaynor asked me what my plans were for the summer, and I told him that I was going to be working. He asked what kind of work I would be doing...I said waitressing. I was very content to leave it at that, for obvious reasons. Then, oh then, he asked where....And I had to tell the superintendent of our school district that I am, in fact, a Hooters Girl. He then gave a very uncomfortable look...And said...."Wow, THAT would be crazy...Me going to Hooters, sitting down, and being waited on by one of my students." Everyone laughed a little...Uncomfortably...And he added,"....Not that I GO to Hooters...or...anything..."

And it was the most awkward moment of my life.

*Caught a ride with the moon.
I know I know you well; well, better than I used to.
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could have never been.
So you say, and I say, 'you know you're full of wish,'
And your baby, baby, babies,
I tell you, there're pieces of me you've never seen.
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well.

All the world is,
All I am--
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand.
All the world is dangling, dangling, d a n g l i n g for me, darling.
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand* -Tori Amos

I HATE THIS WEATHER

2005-04-26T19:47:14Z

Ahhh...Lots has happened since the last time I updated! I haven't thought about updating this thing lately....Anyway....

We had Regionals last Thursday. The whole team did SO well...We get everyone but one person into the top five, so they're all directly going to States...We'll have to wait and see about Dominique's at-large. I got first, which made me happy; I always get really nervous for Regionals because I feel like weird things tend to happen there. But yea, first place, woo hoo. I'm so proud of everyone.

We had State Choral S+E on Saturday, and that went really well too. I did a solo, then had Jills and Octet. Got 1's in all of them. I was really happy because I straight ones on my solo...Which made me happy. And I got a 1 in sightreading, which is AMAZING. Honestly...You get eight measures to sightread. I stopped in the middle of the fourth measure, said I couldn't go on, and the judge just told me to keep going, so I did. I ended up, like, half a step flat...And still got a 1? Whatever...Works for me. Octet did really well, too. I love Octet this year...We get along so well and have so much fun...And we're pretty good. It just makes me so happy.

Now onto getting ready for Concerto....?!?!

Oh! Aaaannnddd...I got asked to Prom. I'm going with Novacek...So that's exciting. I went with Shaina and bought a dress yesterday, and I am obsessed with it. I looooove it; it's gorgeous. It's totally me, which is why I love it so much. I cannot wait for Prom...I just want to have the best time. Now that I have a dress, Mission: How to do Kathleen's Hair is commencing. We'll see how that goes. I haven't had my hair done by a salon or anything since freshman year homecoming; I've always done it myself. I feel like for Prom though, I might as well get it done...It's my last dance so I figure I ought to get it done. I will probably still do my own make-up, though...I just don't trust other people to do it for me. We shall see.

Okay...Time to go take a nap. I have to be back at school at 6:00 or something for forensics coaching...Then 8-9 I'm supposed to go to choir. I might just not go to choir, though. He only told us about it yesterday...So I might just say that it was too short notice and that I can't make it. I mean...If I go, I will be missing American Idol and House!!! Speaking of American Idol...If either Scott or Anthony do not get kicked off this week, I will die a little inside. I'm currently mourning the loss of Anwar. Why did he get voted off?! Why?! Scott is soooo annoying...His beard isn't even on his face...It's on his double chin. And come on, Anthony has a fucking hole in his neck.

Done, done...I'm done.

*I'm so tired of being shy;
I'm not that girl anymore.
I'm not that straight A anymore.
Now I wanna sit with my legs wide open and laugh so loud
That the whole damn restaurant will turn and look at me.
Look at the tiger jumping out of her mouth.

I've left Bethlehem,
And I feel free.
I've left the girl I was supposed to be,
And someday I'll be born.

No more sex-starved teachers trying to touch my ass.
I can finally be a teenager at age twenty-six.
Go to hell, lions, and tigers, and bears;
I'm not afraid of you anymore.
My fear tore apart like fifty balloons,
And I'm thrown around the room
Like party confetti now* -Paula Cole

:::I just found my old Paula Cole CD...It makes me happy:::

School Just Needs to be Done

2005-04-17T04:13:10Z

Well, it's been a little while since I last updated.

Not a ton has happened, really. I hosted the Spring Sports Assembly with Alex on Friday. It was, quite possibly, the worst half hour of my life. First of all, there were approximately 15 people in the senior section...And in the other sections, no one was cheering or having fun AT ALL. The boys lacrosse team didn't come out when I called them...So Alex and I sat there for ten minutes waiting for them to come out. It was SOOOO annoying. The only fabulous part was watching Ryan Fishman getting hit in the face with a pie, like, 4 times.

Water Wars has started, and it is INSANE. I'm not even on a team (my step-dad wouldn't let me do it...*tear*), yet I've gotten sprayed, like, 5 times. I've heard some funny stories so far...I kinda like just spectating and helping where needed.

Last night was Jamie's 18th birthday party at Hooters. Yes, Hooters. It was actually really fun. I'd never been there before. The food was not bad, and we all just had a lot of fun together. Oh yea, and I got a job there. Yes, it's true. I filled out an application, and the manager hired me as a hostess until I turn 18, because I can't waitress til then cause of the alcohol. Once I turn 18, he said, I can be a "Hooter's Girl." Yes, I will be wearing the skimpy little outfit serving food and beer to middle aged men. It should be great. And I mean, whatever....I was given certain assets, and I am fully prepared to use them to make money. And it's going to be GOOD money.

My mother was thoroughly proud of me....

"Shit, Kathleen....If they had had Hooters, and I had had tits when I was your age, I would have worked there too!" -my mother

My brother got his driver's license. He has my car right now. He had it last night, too...I had to drive my parents'. He left allllll his shit in the car (ie: a HUGE Burger King Cup full of flat Sprite, candy wrappers, and a Bone Thugs and Harmony CD). I got into it this morning to drive to Octet, saw all that shit and was like "HELLLLL NOOOOO." It's one thing for him to use the car...But to leave shit in it and change all my cds around....I will not stand for that. Stupid sixteen year olds just getting their licenses...Grrr.

I'm not really sure how he sees over the steering wheel, either.

I'm sicky again...It really sucks. I was better during the week, and then last night I started getting sick again, and now I have the worst sore throat EVAIR. Je le deteste.

I got my housing/orientation registration in the mail today...So I need to get right on that.

Okay...Time to go take TONS of medecine. Laterrr.

*This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive.
All these places feel like home.

With a name I'd never chosen,
I can take my first steps
As a child of twenty-five.

This the the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you.
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time* -Snow Patrol

Blahhhhhh

2005-04-09T02:59:38Z

So I've been sick since Wednesday; I only went to school this week on Monday and Tuesday. That means that in the two school weeks before spring break and this school week (fifteen days), I have been to school for eight days....

8/15= 0.533333333.

Yes, boys and girls...I go to school fifty-three percent of the time. It seems to me that that takes a certain skill. I congratulate myself on being a successful second semester senior...For three weeks, at least. I'm honestly so sick though. I have been coughing up blood and getting bloody noses, my throat is raw, my asthma is awful...Yuck. Today, however, went by blood-free, so I think I'm on the mend. Hopefully I will be able to go out tmw night, because I haven't left the house in three days.

So the decision has been finalized...Despite being accepted to Northwestern, my absolute dream school...I will be attending U of M next year. It just costs too much money, even with student loans/aid/etc. Especially with my dad being sick/dying/dead/I really have no idea...He is unavailable at the moment to be begged for money to finance my education (not that he would, even if I asked). Thus, U of M it is. I sent in my deposit and confirmation that I'm attending the school next year on Wednesday.

And whatever...I will get just as good of an education at Michigan; I will be closer to home; I'm already familiar with campus and surrounding city, and a lot of my really good friends will be there. My main drawback for U of M was the fact that so many Andover people go there...But I figure that with 40,000 other students there....I will at least be able to meet ONE new person. Plus, I'm rooming blind...So there's my automatic one new person. I'm really excited, though. I just want to get out of Bloomfield and experience college life.

Anyway, enough of that. OH, I totallllllly forgot. Districts was on Wednesday at Roeper. Even though I didn't go to school that day, I still went to Districts. There were only six people in DI, but this one guy from Cranbrook doing "A Raisin in the Sun" was AMAZING. I had never seen him before, and I was soooo impressed. I got a bloody nose in between first and second round...THAT was fun. We only had three rounds, no finals...Since there were only six of us. I got first, which was nice, and surprising...I thought that the Cranbrook guy was going to win. We got 26/28 directly out, and I'm almost positive that one of our at-larges will go through, so really...27/28. DSA only got 23 out...So that's good for us.

I just realized that the student-faculty basketball game is the same night as my dinner thing for Bloomfield Youth Guidance. Even though I'm not playing in the game, I think Jills are supposed to sing the National Anthem at the game, and I wanted to watch. Boo. You'd think that since both events are within the same District, they would coordinate them not to fall on the same night.

Time for more resting. Night night.

*I was stained with a role in a day not my own,
And as you walked into my life,
You showed what needed to be shown.
And I always knew what was right; I just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight.

And I will never see the sky the same way,
And I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday,
And I will never cease to fly if held down,
And I will always reach too high,
Cause I've seen,
Cause I've seen twilight* -Vanessa Carlton

Spring Break/Back to School Update

2005-04-04T19:49:07Z

Okay, so Spring Break...Most AMAZING week of my life. I honestly had so much fun. I'm not going to type a whole, detailed account of my entire trip because that's just kind of annoying, and I don't feel like doing it. I had a blast with Aaron, Anne, and Vinnie. I love them all.

Anyway...So today was the first day back to school, and I realized just how much work I missed in the two weeks before break. I had a math test to make up during STEP, an AP Econ test to make up on Wednesday, 2 Econ current events to do, 4 math assignments, lots of random Anatomy stuff...Pluuuusss I need to sign up for all my housing/orientation/whatnot for U of M. Oh yea...I got into Northwestern, but I can't go (*tear*). It is just really too expensive. It was a nice pat on the back, though. I honestly do need to do my U of M stuff. Somehow, I get the sense that I'm behind...I still need to send in my $200 deposit and that form telling them that I am, in fact, going to the school.

So Mrs. Goldenthal nominated me for this award through the Bloomfield Youth Guidance office called the Outstanding Youth Citizen Award that is given to people in the school district for different categories. She nominated me for "achievement by an individual based on overcoming a personal challenge and setting an example by assisting others" for the whole eating disorder/abuse part of my life and "exceptional service by an individual within a club or organization" for, like, forensics, choir, theater, etc. The BYG picked six people to get these awards, and I'm one of them. It's really cool because you get to go to a really nice dinner at the Radisson Kingsley, and there are police officers, fire fighters, judges, and other important people there at the dinner. Then, they pick one person to win a scholarship, and if you win, they, like, read your life story to everyone at the dinner...Which is kind of strange, but whatever. I talked to Clees about it, and I guess it's a really prestigious honor to get one of these awards.

So that's cool. It kind of makes me feel good to be recognized for overcoming my eating disorder and all the shit I went through with my dad. Being nominated for my contribution to forensics and theater is cool, too...But I just feel like the other award is so much more personal and meaningful. So the dinner is on April 27, and I'm actually really excited for it.

In other news...We only have 34 days of school left. That is SO weird. Now that Spring Break is over, what do we have left? Forensics Districts/Regionals/States, Choir States (eew), S+E States, Concerto, Prom, Graduation, Senior All-Night Party, then of course, graduation parties and stuff. Really...Not that much exciting stuff. Really, the only things I'm excited for are forensics states, Concerto, graduation/all-night party, and prom. Girls have already started getting dresses for prom...I feel like it's kind of soon for that, but I guess it's in, like, two months. Honestly, if I don't get asked to prom, tears will be shed. I just want to have so much fun...And look amazing. LoL.

Anyway...I have to go start doing all this homework/studying/work that I missed.

Later!

*Then as it was, then again it will be
And though the course may change sometimes,
Rivers always reach the sea.
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey.
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow,
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me.
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be.

Did you ever really need somebody and really need 'em bad?
Did you ever really want somebody, the best love you ever had?* -Led Zeppelin

Well If You're So Low Below, Then Why You Watching?

2005-03-20T20:35:28Z

I really need to start updating this thing more often. My internet explorer doesn't work on my computer, so I always have to wait to use mommy's computer to update. However, Paul is slightly insane and doesn't like it when I use their computer, and he keeps the room it's in locked up. So it's finally unlocked, and I can use the computer to update.

Not a whole lot has really been going on. I went to Chicago with my AP English class and PATTY. I'd never been to Chicago before, so it was a really cool experience. I did some fun shopping, which really just means that I bought a corset. Yes, boys and girls, I bought at corset. It was fifteen bucks at H&M, so how could I pass that up? Oh, and OMG...I ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Wow. Just wow. I went with Meghan, Rachel, Carli, Shaina, Daniel, and Ally. We ate so much freaking food. We ordered $25 of appetizers, 6 different salads, 4 pieces of cheesecake, and delicious beverages. We were probably in there for about two hours. It was sooooo amazing. Not to mention the fact that we were the first people in there because we sat outside it for twenty minutes before it opened. Oh yea, and our waiter was HOT.

In WAY less exciting news, choral festival was on Thursday. I saw approximately 17.5 million people I knew from Interlochen there (including Sarah, the love of my life!!!! I miss you, bitch!). I also got hit on by some random ass guy walking past me in the hall. Getting hit on by random choir boy...That is when you know you're hot.

I realized after having gone to numerous choral festivals and forensics competitions that there are two distinct looks for odd people in each respective activity. They're definately looks. Anyone who does either activity knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. They're those weird ass mofos you see at competitions that you just can't find the words to describe. Well, I found the words to describe them: Forensics Freaky and Choir Creepy. They really exist, I swear to God.

Oh yea...All the choirs got 1's...Because I know you all care.

Aaaand, I just remembered....Spring Break is in....five days. In five days, I will be in the Bahamas, laying on the beach in my SUPER CUTE new bathing suits, clubbing with my friends, and really, just getting absolutely trashed. AMAZING. My parents are leaving to go to Florida two days before I leave. Michael is leaving to go to Minnesota two days before I leave. I will be home alone for two days before going to the Bahamas. Clearly, we know what that means.

Okay...I need to go be productive, because I honestly haven't been in approximately three weeks. Literally.

Bye kiddles.

*You say your quest is to bring it higher.
Well I never seen change without a fire,
But from your mouth I have seen a lot of burning,
But underneath I think it's a lot of yearning.
Your face, the colours change from green to yellow
To the point where you can't even say hello.
You tell me you'd kill me if I ever snob you out,
Like that's what you'd expect from me, like that's what I'm about.

I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you
And be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you.
Now that I've flown away, I see you've chosen to stay behind me.
And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself* -Nelly Furtado

Update, Blah, Blah, Blah.

2005-03-08T22:09:32Z

Well, I haven't updated in a while, so I figured that since I have time now, I might at as well.

I just want to first say thank-you to everyone who wore ribbons with me last week for NEDAW. It honestly meant the world to me. You are all such wonderful friends, and I appreciate you agreeing to wear them more than you will ever know. I just want you all to be aware of how special that was to me.

Anyways...I've been really busy lately, and I honestly don't really know why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've had forensics competitions the past two weekends and have another one coming up this weekend. I'm really actually getting run-down from them. That's never happened to me before. I'm losing my voice and I'm just so tired. But the team has been doing so well. I'm so incredibly proud of everyone. Especially Little Shop of Whores, because I am their groupie. But seriously, our team this year is so awesome. I'm so amazed by everyone. I got second at the past two invitationals, which is just dandy. I'm really happy that my personal season (as well as the whole team's) is going well thus far (keeping my fingers crossed).

The invitational we went to last weekend was nice cause some of the college kiddies came to see us. Mark, Bailey, Matt, Randy, and Zach all came. Mark came and watched my semis, which was really nice. I just think that everyone does better when they have someone they know in the round. So, thanks Marky!

I'm so excited for Chicago. We are leaving on Thursday and coming back Friday, but I still think it will be so much fun. I've never been to Chicago, which is so weird...So that's cool. I'm really not that particularly excited to see Measure for Measure, but hey, whatever. The rest of the trip will be tres amusant.

Spring Break is in, what, like 17 days or something?! THAT IS INSANE. My group has significantly shrunk in the past, like, week. So now it's: me, Aaron, Vinnie, Anne, Andrea. We dropped the second room, so it's going to be cheaper. I mean, it's nice that it's not as expensive, but I'm sad that Sara, Meghan, and Al aren't coming. *Tear*

So basically, what it comes down to is that I will be sleeping in Shaina's room A LOT, because Anne and I just...don't....get along. And I haven't seen Andrea since middle school. Whatever. I'm still so excited; there are so many other people going that I can be with...So yea. I'm just looking forward to having a week where all you need to worry about is how tan you get, how cute you look, how many hot guys you can find, what club you're going to, and what your next drink is going be. Sounds fabulous to me.

I have choir at seven, and I am thouroughly not excited. I guess District Choral Fesitval is in, like, two weeks? I don't really pay attention anymore.

I am also not excited for the three tests I have tomorrow. I have an AP English test on Crime and Punishment (none of which have I read), an AP French test on relative pronouns, and an AP Econ test on employment, unemployment, aggregate demand, and aggregate supply. Not to mention that I had an Anatomy test today...And, actually, will probably have to take a Pre-Calc test at STEP tomorrow because I'm not going to be there on Thursday when Mrs Robinson is giving the test. Ugggghh. WHO SAID SENIOR YEAR WAS EASY? Obviously, they were lying.

I made the decision last night that I am going to be entirely unproductive for the remainder of the school year.

There you go.

So this entry has been too long for anyone's good.

Fin.

*I am not an angry girl,
But it seems like I've got everyone fooled.
Every time I say something they find hard to hear,
They chalk it up to my anger
And never to their own fear.
Imagine you're a girl
Just trying to finally come clean,
Knowing full well they'd prefer you
Were dirty and smiling* -Ani Difranco

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

2005-03-01T21:51:27Z

Okay...So most people who know me know that I was anorexic for seven years. This week (February 27 through March 5) is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW). The theme for NEDAW 2005 is Get Real: Unmask the Problem. Get Real Expectations. Get Real Information. Get Real Help.

Just like breast cancer has pink ribbons for awareness, eating disorders have periwinkle ribbons for awareness. I've been wearing the ribbon on my coat this week, and tomorrow I'm going to start wearing it on my shirt. I'll be wearing it for the rest of the week, until Sunday.

I have a ton of extra ribbons at my house, and I really want to get some sort of awareness going around school for this week; it is a really important week to me. I at least would like a few friends to maybe wear the ribbons for this week, if they don't mind. They are just small, periwinkle satin ribbons that you can pin on your shirt, or coat, or whatever. It would really mean a lot to me if some people would agree to wear them; I think it's really important that people who aren't familiar with the cause be made aware of it. If you want a ribbon, leave a comment on my LiveJournal, or come and find me at school tomorrow, or sometime during the rest of the week. Again, it would really mean a lot to me.

Wow....Just, Wow.

2005-02-17T19:28:51Z

My dad is dying. Like, straight up. He had that quadruple bypass a couple weeks ago, and he was supposed to be fine. Well, a couple days ago, his sister called my brother to tell him that, essentially, the bypass isn't working. I guess his heart had damage from diabetes from ten or twelve years ago, before he was diagnosed with it. He might need a heart transplant...And first of all, someone has to die in order for him to get a heart...And he probably wouldn't survive the surgery.

I had to call him and talk to him...Which was one of the most emotionally draining things ever. I honestly sat with the phone in my hand for half an hour, just staring at it before I called. When I finally did call, I was shaking. I only talked for a couple minutes because he can't really talk. It didn't even sound like him when he did talk, though...which I guess was better for me because I couldn't really place the voice with his face.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this. Yes, I do feel some sort of sadness, but it's a sadness that accompanies the way you feel when someone you know is really ill...Not that sort of sadness that I think you would feel when it's one of your parents in that situation.

And this has just brought up so many memories, things that I've tried to forget for my whole life. They're all just flooding back now. Everything that I went through with him is just racing through my mind all the time, and I have no clue how to deal with it. I have no clue how to deal with any of this.

And now that this is on my mind so much, and all these memories come back...It just triggers my ED sooooooo much.

I am just struggling with it so much right now, I don't even know how to verbalize it. Every behavior and emotion that I thought was so far behind me is back. I'm weighing myself at least three times a day again...I'm conscious of keeping track of what I eat...I exercise every night in my room when my family is asleep...I've been looking at old pictures of me when I was really sick. I can just feel whatever control I had over it dwindling.
The other night, there was this special on VH1 called, "How Thin is Too Thin," about celebrities and weight loss...And they started showing pictures of all these thin stars and talking about them...And I just lost it. I started balling. I don't even really know why. Just seeing pictures of these stars flashed onscreen, looking how I used to, and I just started crying. I probably shouldn't have watched it, but I couldn't help myself. I felt like I needed to see these pictures. I'm pushing myself, and I know it. But at the same time, I don't want to stop it. I just don't know what to do right now.

I think all of that was somewhere inside me, and this whole thing with my dad just brought it out. I think it's something that's been waiting to happen for a while.

I hate him so much...But I hate myself for hating my extremely ill father. What kind of daughter am I?

I'm done now...I haven't talked to anyone about any of these things...So I just needed to write them down.

*You know that dream when your feet won’t move,
You want to come but your body won’t let you?
He steals it from me; he steals it from me.
It shines like sweat, like jewels,
Like something that has died to soon.

I need an island, somewhere to sink a stone
I need an island, somewhere to bury you,
Somewhere to go* -Heather Nova

Happy Valentine's Day!

2005-02-14T22:40:21Z

As said above, Happy Valentine's Day.

SHAINA AND I JUST BAKED THE BEST FUCKING CAKE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. It's chocolate with pink vanilla frosting and sprinkles. It looks beautiful. Shaina took a picture of me holding it with her cell phone...So if you want to see it, ask Shaina!

It's amazing.

Shaina is my Valentine.

And now we're bored because the cake is done.

I'm Going to College, Bitches!!!!!

2005-02-10T20:03:22Z

Finally, now I know I'm at least going somewhere. As of right now, I'm a U of M Wolverine!!! I won't hear from Northwestern until April, though. But, yea, I finally got into U of M after they lost my teacher recommendations TWICE. I got my acceptance letter two days ago. It's just nice to know that I'm going to college.

Anyway...Sadie's was fun. The dance kinda sucked...The DJ was AWFUL. He played, like, two good songs. A lot of people are really pissed. I looked soooo cute though. I need to load my pictures from the digital camera onto the computer so that I can post them here...So I'll get on that sometime soon.

Okay...I really need to go take a nap before Meggie's b-day partay. Happy Birthday Meghan!!!!

Super Quick Update

2005-02-04T22:58:51Z

Tomorrow is Sadie's!!! I'm sooooo excited. Seriously...I'm really excited about it. I am going to look so freaking cute...You don't even know. I just got my dress back from getting altered (I had to have the neckline adjusted so that my boobs didn't fall out). It's so cute. And I got my pedicure today. Clearly I skipped half of AP Econ to go get my pedicure. But my toes look really cute...They're basically the same color as the dress, just not quite as bright. Tomorrow I get my manicure, and I'm doing a really light pink, because my nails are too short for anything else...And they'll look nice with the dress. I am completely determined to look amazing. I need that right now.

Anyyyywhoo...One Acts are this weekend. Do I really want to go see them? I don't know. Cause I have to go either tonight or Sunday...Tonight is kinda inconvenient, but so is Sunday cause it's the Superbowl. We shall see. If I don't see them, GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!

Spring Play auditions are on Tuesday. We're doing The Diviners. I just finished reading the play...I like it a lot, but there aren't really any strong girl parts. I guess Jennie Mae. We'll see how auditions go.

Okay...I need to go take a shower. Byyye!

*And clenching your fist for the ones like us
Who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
You fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind.
We are ugly but we have the music."

And then you got away, didn't you babe?
You just turned your back on the crowd.
You got away; I never once heard you say,
"I need you; I don't need you,
I need you; I don't need you."
And all of that jiving around.

I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best;
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel.
That's all, I don't even think of you that often* -Leonard Cohen

S+E, Ku Klux Klan Auction...Blah, Blah, Blah

2005-01-30T00:29:47Z

Well....I awoke today at 6:28 am and was promptly picked up by Carli at 6:30 am. Go me...I got ready in two minutes. Anyway...Then we went and got Shields-ela and drove up to Howell (where the Michigan chapter of the Ku Klux Klan is located). I sat in the front because Lauren is an Asian Jew, and we didn't feel like having a burning cross shoved into Carli's car. In fact, today in Howell they are having an auction----OF ANTIQUE KU KLUX KLAN MEMORABILIA (i.e.: robes, hoods...etc). I'm not even joking...I'm being 100% serious.

Anywho...Octet sang at 8:12...And we were really good. The judge said that we were almost flawless and paid excellent attention to musical detail. Which is....funny. But we were really good, and it made me happy. We got a 1. I had my solo at 9:12. It went SUPER well. It was definately the best time I had sung both of my songs. My judge was really nice...He was like, "You make it look so easy...You just open your mouth and beautiful things come out." He made me feel good about myself, which I need right about now. The only thing he told me to work on was, in my fast song, to make sure that when I'm taking a quick breath, not to stop the phrase short. I got a 1. Then Jills went....AT 3:24. Yes, I sat around Howell High School for 6 hours and 12 minutes. Jills went okay...We kinda fucked up the first song un peu...But the judge was really complimentary. We got a 1.

I need to finish reading Fountainhead. Meh. I really like it...It just makes me tired. But it definately is one of those books you have to read sometime in your life.

I'm really excited for Sadie's next weekend. I AM GOING TO LOOK SO FUCKING HOT. No joke. My boobs and I are going to look amazing. Yes, my dress is absolutely cut below my boobs. It should be interesting to see some of the parental reactions at pictures. Whatever....I look stellar fabulous in it. So excited to look pretty and have fun with my friends.

Oh yea...and U of M lost my teacher recommendations. I was just notified on Thursday. So I had to resend them, and U of M hasn't started reviewing my application yet because they didn't have the teacher recommendations. Screw you U of M...Screw you.

I just found my old Blessid Union of Souls CD. It makes me happy.

Okay...I need to go take a shower because I'm dirty and gross, and I refuse to go out looking like this.

*You spend half the time dreaming, and the other half's a lie.
You don't know where you're going, and you don't know how to try.
You don't really have a best friend, but you think that you're in love.
Now all you can remember are the words he used the most,
Like the "lie" in believe,
The "I" in decieve,
The "her" in together,
The "we" in the weather.
He said a lot of things; I'm sure he meant them at the time,
But it's not the end of the world.

Well you didn't see it coming, cause you never understood
That there's a time to draw the line when things are going good.
But you just kept on giving beyond the call of love,
And he was kind to rob you blind of the pieces of your heart,
Like that part that made you give,
And the part that made you weak.
Then he would softly kiss you
And tell you that he missed you.
I know it doesn't seem like what I'm going to say is true,
But it's not the end of the world* -Blessid Union of Souls

Oh Life...

2005-01-25T04:54:56Z

I just got out of the shower, and I straightened my hair. Wtf? Since when do I straighten my hair to go to school? Honestly, I don't know. I just had the urge to do it. Maybe it is so I can have one less day of Mrs Martin telling me that my hair looks awful that I'm not up to my usual well-dressed standards...Because she actually has said that to me on numerous occasions this year. Well, take that, Patty...When you see my hair tomorrow, you won't even know what to do with yourself.

Annnnyway....This weekend was....random, if nothing else. No explanation, really. I'll just leave it at that.

Boys are confusing....Discuss. No, but seriously, though...They truly are. Perhaps I just over-analyze things to a nauseating extent, but who knows.

In other related news, I find snuggling to be highly underrated and thouroughly underappreciated...Which is precisely why I spent two hours with my doggie on the couch tonight. He loves me.

Oh yea...And my dad had a quadruple bypass on Friday.

That came out of nowhere, but it's true..He did. My aunt (whom I literally have not spoken to in approximately ten years) called on Saturday to tell my brother, who was up north. I didn't recognize the number on the caller id, so I answered it...Only to discover that my dad was post-op in the hospital after having two arteries taken from his legs, one from his arm, and one from his chest...and transferred into his heart. He didn't have a heart attack, but was close to it. She told me to call him today....But I didn't. I honestly still can't bring myself to talk to him...And this has been so emotionally upsetting to me...Like, not that I'm upset that he almost had a heart attack...I'm upset that he's not even here, and I haven't even spoken to him in six years, yet he still has the capacity to make me feel like shit. I feel like he got what he deserved...You know, that whole "what-goes-around-comes-around" thing....But that makes me feel like shit because would any other person have that reaction to finding out that their father had a quadruple bypass? But he just fucked my life up so badly, I just can't help feeling that way. He hurt me so much, I feel like it's finally time he experienced some pain. But does that make me a bad person? Ugh.

Okay, so obviously you clicked on that link...Why, I have no idea. But whatever...I've been feeling really horribly about myself lately. Like...I've been losing weight; I'm under 100 now, but I know that I'm getting back into that mindset where it's like...well, you're under 100, so you might as well just keep going and get yourself back down to where you used to be. And that's scary...I haven't felt like that in a while. I think it probably has to do with the fact that I'm going on SB in, like, two months...And I will be spending that entire time either in a) a bathing suit, or b) minimal clothing...And SOOOOOO many people that I know are going to be there, and it just kinda makes me nervous. And there are so many girls at Andover who are so fucking skinny, and all they do is sit in class and talk about how fat they are. Yes, that is semi-what I'm doing right now, but this is my journal, and no one has to read it...But when I'm sitting right next to you, I HAVE to listen to what you're saying. It just makes me wonder what they think I look like if they think they're so fat. And tonight I worked with a girl on the forensics team on her piece...And it's about an anorexic girl....And it's so pathetic, but that triggered me. A few months ago, that wouldn't have even phased me...But tonight...It just drove me insane. I couldn't stop thinking about it, even after we were done, and I went home. And it's hard because there really isn't anyone here that I can talk to about this...Like, yea, my friends are really patient and understanding with me about it...But no one can ever know what it's really like unless they've gone throught it themselves, and I don't like putting the burdens of my problems on my friends who just can't comprehend what the fuck I'm talking about. If there was anything that I loved about the Ranch, it was the security of knowing that I was living in a house with eleven other girls who felt the exact same way I did and never questioned or misunderstood my feelings. I miss having that security. Okay, I'm done now because I'm being boring and upsetting to myself.

*So quiet,
Another wasted night,
The television steals the conversation.
Exhale,
Another wasted breath,
Again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
Cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break.
Out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
Cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch, are we out of time?

Close lipped,
Another goodnight kiss
Is robbed of all it's passion.
Your grip,
Another time, is slack;
It leaves me feeling empty* -Dashboard Confessional

Well, No We're Not, Rrrronette

2005-01-20T21:15:42Z

Okay, so the forensics tournament on Saturday was AMAZING. The team did so well; I'm so proud of everyone. I'm ESPECIALLY proud of Little Shop of Whores for getting first place, and Meghan for getting third her very first time on her own. Oh yea, and I got first place in DI, which is not too shabby. We have such a great team this year; it makes me smile.

I hung up my sign-up sheet to help people outside the forensics room, and people actually signed up! It made me really happy. I'm working with Sarah Grace tonight, then Amanda Aaron and Carly Steinberger on Monday.

I bought a really, really, super cute Sadie's dress. It's up there on my list of favorites. I heart it; it's from bebe, which is kind of random. I've never bought anything there, but this dress is real cute. I'm excited to look pretty.

Oh yea, and I'm going with Kevin Kresch (who was tearfully sad that I didn't write that in my last entry, so here it is, in bold-face LiveJournal glory).

Uggh Solo and Ensemble is next Saturday. Shoot me now. I have my solos done, and those are fine. But Jills....HA. And Octet isn't too bad; we just need to finish learning Exultate Justi. I heart Octet, though. We have so much fun together...And Sam's dad makes us delicious, delicious food.

Okay, I need to go take a shower before I go back to school...Byyyyee.

*Lift up your head;
Wash off your mascara.
Here, take my Kleenex;
Wipe that lipstick away.
Show me your face,
Clean as the morning.
I know things were bad,
But now they're okay.

Suddenly Seymour
Is standing beside you.
You don't need no makeup,
Don't have to pretend.
Suddenly Seymour
Is here to provide you
Sweet understanding...

Nobody ever
Treated me kindly.
Daddy left early;
Mama was poor.
I'd meet a man, and
I'd follow him blindly.
He'd snap his fingers;
Me, I'd say "sure."

Suddenly Seymour
Is standin' beside me.
He don't give me orders;
He don't condescend.
Suddenly Seymour
Is here to provide me
Sweet understanding* -Little Shop of Horrors

Je T'Aime

2005-01-13T20:52:03Z

I have a forensics competition on Saturday. What the fuck?

In other news...It, ladies and gentleman, is finals week. Thus far, I've taken my pre-calc, forensics, AP English, AP French 500, AP Econ, and Jills finals. All I have left is Anatomy, which, consequently, I could get a 0% on and still get an A in the class. Literally. The French final was HYSTERICAL. Madame gave us an old AP, and I cried. I knew NOTHING. AP Econ, also, was HYSTERICAL. Rabourne gave us an old AP, and I did not know much. I'm sorry, but she's a really bad teacher. I love her as a person, but she cannot teach AT ALL. Last night, I took 28 pages of notes on this semester of Econ because hers are utterly incomprehensible. Ugh. Whatever, at nine a.m. tomorrow I will be a second semester senior.

OMGGGGG, weird story. Okay, so my dad apparently has been planning on getting married in Hawaii a while after my Spring Break (obviously I wasn't going). Guess where and when he is getting married now?! The Bahamas...during my spring break. So I talked to him (for the the first time in six years), and told him that I would attend the wedding ceremony, but nothing else because I'll want to be with my friends, if he agrees to re-imburse my mom and me for my entire trip to the Bahamas (including airfare, hotel, and spending money), which totals to $1500. AND HE'S DOING IT. He's giving us $750 now, and the rest of the $750 after I go to the wedding. I'm getting 1500 dollars to see my dad for, like, two hours. Shit, I would sell my soul for $1500. And let's be perfectly honest, I will probably be drunk while I'm there.

I think that is one of the funniest stories of my life.

Anyway...I am going Sadie's dress shopping on Monday with Meggie, Caitlin, Rachel, et Shaina. I'm so excited...I want an awesome dress. Although, I'm not sure that anything can compare with my Sadie's outfit from last year...But I shall try. I'm going to look so fucking hot at Sadie's this year....You just wait.

SHIT I HAVE OCTET IN TEN MINUTES...I FORGOT!!!!!!! Gotta GOOOO!!!!!!

Here It Is...You Know You Want to Read It

2005-01-02T23:13:16Z

Well, I said I'd do this (and I did it last year) so here goes...

Kathleen's Awesome List--2004

One Acts: although I almost got kicked out by Jamie every Thursday for going to my voice lessons, I still had an awesome time. We had the best cast, and I had so much fun with all of them (except Pranav). Oh yea, and Alan is cool.
Sadie's: I had so much fun with Vinnie. He looked cute, and let's be honest....my outfit was fucking awesome. I spent $14 on my Sadie's outfit, and the rest I borrowed from Traci.
Spring Play: okay...So Campion picked a sucky script, but we made it work. People liked it, and for the most part, we had fun. I was the "plot twist," and I think the only cast member who had a normal, cute costume.
Forensics: the season went really well for me...I got second at states (which was pretty cool...and the highest that anyone from Andover has gotten in DI). I missed Al, but still had a good time. And I got voted to be a captain
Jills: I mean...it was cool to do all the concerts and stuff...and I liked some of the people in it.
Spring Break: Went to Sanibel Island like I do every year with my family. Loved it there...Nightly parties on the beach are a wonderful thing.
Finishing Junior Year: I got through it alive. I got a 4.0; got 5 on my Bio AP, and had fun with my friends
Prom Afterparty: Wow...That's all I have to say
INTERLOCHEN ALL-STATE: probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life (minus the two days that I was an alto). Honestly, though, I had so much fun...I met the most awesome people, had the BEST counselors in my cabin, had the best cabinmates. The music we did was so amazing, and just knowing that we learned/memorized, like, 14 songs in 12 days is really cool. Plus, bonding time with Daniel, Mickey, and Kasie was cool. And of course, I met ERNIE!
Summer: Is an explanation really necessary?
SENIOR YEAR: Okay, it's not done yet...but I'm still putting it on the list. This year has for sure been the best so far (and it's not even second semester yet!).
Homecoming: I got asked in the CUTEST WAY EVER, and had so much fun with Kevin. My dress was hella cute, and afterwards at Vinnie's was hysterical. And our group's senior shirts were SOOO cute.
Senior Sleep-Out: Probably one of the funniest nights of my life. I talked to a lot of people in my grade that I had never spoken to before. Everyone was dressed awesomely and some funny stuff went down. Oh yea...and Anne threatened to slap me, which is hysterical.
Senior Sit-In: Seeing Mr Ruggirello body-slam some kid into the wall made it all worth it
Musical: Into the Woods was awesome. We were all so nervous that it would suck, but it turned out to be amazing. I loved being Cinderella; it is by far my favorite role I've done. Being onstage with all my best friends for probably one of the last times was really surreal...Actually, the whole experience was. I loved it.
Pentath: I got second place (and was on notecards for two rounds and memorized the other three the night before...Yay). Plus Alex WON
My friends: I love you all

Kathleen's Shit List--2004

ACT: I did really well on it...It was just a pain in the ass
Jills Fiasco: Not even going to get into it...Too much drama
Filling Out College Apps: Soooo annoyyyying
My Inebriated Excursions: Bad...just bad.
Saying Bye to Last Year's Seniors: I definately miss some of them
Boys: Just...boys.

So, all in all...2004 was awesome. I only have six things on my Shit List...Which is cool. And very surprising. So there it is...my 2004.

HAPPY NEW YEARS

2005-01-01T07:12:39Z

Okay....So i have a deep-tpye update to post that has like...resolutions and stuff...And ym awesome/shitty lists for 2004. But currenly I'm not capable of typing it. But i figured that i needed to make a happy new years update, so....

Happy New YEars.

So yea///I went to Lacey's hosue....then Amandas. I heart Amanda and everyone (almost) who was there. I msis them all (almost) beaucoup.

So, livejournal community...I bid you adieu for teh night.

P.S.---I love my friends...Meghan, Sara, Shaina, Daniel----I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

I Really Can't Think of a Title for This

2004-12-30T07:22:01Z

I love breaks sooo much.

Last night I went to Traci's and hung out with two of her friends from crew, and then Al, Sara, Winston, and Aaron came over. It was hysterical...Traci's friend, Paul, made yummy dinner avec du champagne and we had the most random conversations; I got a full update on the MSU crew team drama and all that good stuff.

Tonight I hung out with Shaina, Julie, Bailey, Matt, and eventually Mark. There was supposed to be some party in Commerce, but that got cancelled. Plus none of us felt like driving out to Commerce. So we ate at Max and Erma's, then went back to Julie's and just chilled. It was so much fun...I miss all those guys so much.

Okay...So weird occurrence...Have you ever been friends with someone for a considerably long period of time and never felt attracted to them, and then suddenly realize that you are? Because it's kind of strange. And then you sit and think about it and wonder if you were, like, somehow attracted to them subconsciously but didn't ever really think about it...or were just kind of a frigid bitch about it and never gave it a chance? Very interesting...And rather internally conflicting. Whatever.

I need to...
a) read Hamlet
b) watch Much Ado About Nothing

Neither of which I have ANY burning desire to do. Oh Mrs. Martin, why you do me like that?

*And if you find one day,
Find some freedom and relief,
With this freedom baby,
Maybe you will find some peace.
With this peace baby,
I hope it brings you back to me;
Bring you home, take me home.

If you won't let me fall for you,
Then you won't see the best that I would love to do for you.
Instead, you will be missing me when I go,
'Cause I'm bored of hanging out in your cold* -Dido

Merry Christmas/I Sang Backup for Clay Aiken at the Masonic Temple!!!!!!

2004-12-26T04:02:08Z

Okay, first things first...Two days ago I got to sing backup (along with about 15 other Andover girls) with Clay Aiken at his Christmas concert at the Masonic Temple with the DSO!!!!! Now, granted, I'm not obsessed with Clay Aiken or anything, but it was still soooo cool. We sang backup for six of his songs...And afterwards, he came and shook all our hands/gave hugs and took pictures with us...He was super, super nice. He needed to shave though; he was kind of scruffy. Haha. And he gave each of us a card from his tour that he had adressed to us/autographed. It was really cool being onstage in front of the whole Masonic Temple (including Shaina and her mommy!!!!).

So yea...Pretty cool.

Anywho...Merry Christmas. Christmas was nice...I didn't get a whole lot cause my present is really my parents helping me pay for Spring Break. But I got some shirts, pajamas, a $50 Borders Gift Certificate, Arbonne stuff (of course), and $270. Not bad.

I saw Spanglish avec Shaina and Ryan. It was really, really good. I heart Adam Sandler. I cried a lot at the end of the movie...Because I cry in every movie. But, yea, see Spanglish.

I just took a bath...It was fabulous. I have this peppermint bath confetti that melts and turns into bubbles when you put it in the bathtub, and it makes me happy.

That is all.

*Don't wanna weep for you, I don't wanna know.
I'm blind and tortured, the white horses flow.
The memories fire, the rhythms fall slow.
Black beauty I love you so,
Precious, precious silver and gold and pearls
In oyster's flesh.
Drop down we two to serve and pray to love,
Born again from the rhythm, screaming down from heaven.
Ageless, ageless and I'm there in your arms.

The welts of your scorn, my love, give me more;
Send whips of opinion down my back, give me more.
Well it's you I've waited my life to see;
It's you I've searched so hard for* -Jeff Buckley

Snowflake Break, How I Thought You'd Never Come!!!!

2004-12-21T23:31:24Z

FINALLY. Honestly, it seemed like this break would never, ever, ever come. I've been needing this break since musical started. Sincerely. No school for, like, two weeks...Amazing. However, today was quite possibly the longest day ever. The day just dragged on forever, and I had an AP Econ test last hour, which was obnoxious. Then I had a voice lesson at 4. But now, it's BREAK. Not a lot of people are going away, actually...Which is good for me, cause Lord knows I'm not going anywhere.

I love Miss Skillman and Miss Hammerle. They're hysterical. Madame is in French, so Miss Hammerle is teaching her class...And Alex and I told Miss Skillman (since she's BFFs with Hammerle) to come get us out of French. So she came down and we all talked for a while about their Senior Spring Breaks...and Miss Skillman told us about the foam party she went to in Cancun...And they asked us what we drank and what clubs we were going to go to. And Skillman told us that when we go to Senior Frogs to never go down the slide they have there (she said that they try to get people really drunk and go down the slide...and the slide goes into a gross swamp). It was definately the funniest conversation I've ever had with teachers. So Al and I got to leave (via Miss Skillman).

And that is why Miss Skillman and Miss Hammerle rock.

I'm ALMOST a second semester Senior. That is soooo weird.

We have, like, ninety-four days or something until Spring Break!!! Aaron thinks I'm going to die and/or get raped in the Bahamas, but I swear, I won't.

I hate boys right now. They make me angry. But I still love them.

Clearly this situation calls for a nap. Tata.

*I'm going back now to the time
When we sat out all night and looked to the sky,
And dreamed it would be our escape.
And so that night did turn to day,
The sun so bright and warm,
And make its way inside of me,
Send a shiver through my bone.

Comfort my thoughts when i'm feeling down;
Say what I need until I come around.
As a matter of fact,
A matter of these times
When we're all feeling
It's getting hard to breathe in this life* -Denison Witmer